APPLICATION TO DATE HANNAH ISABELLE
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by you and your family’s complete financial statements, you and your father/mother’s job history, references from all of your teachers to date, a detailed family lineage along with a “total health review” to be completed by Dr. Sam Fender, Director of the CDC (Center for Disease Control – 105 Adams St., Atlanta Georgia 20938). Include a second blood sample if the test results are more than 72 hours old.
Name as it appears on Birth Certificate:
Date of Birth:
Home Address:
Height: Weight:
IQ: GPA:
SOCIAL SECURITY #: DRIVERS LICENSE #:
BOY SCOUT RANK WITH MERIT BADGES (list badges on back and include photo of you at recent troop meeting holding a current copy of USA Today which is to be in clear view):
“YES/NO” Section – Circle correct answer:
Do you have parents? Yes No
Is one male and the other female? Yes No
If no, explain:
Number of years they have been married?
If less than your age, explain:
THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS ARE TO BE ANWERED ON A LIE DETECTOR AT THE ADDRESS BELOW. BRING $1,500 AND WEAR LOOSE FITTING CLOTHING. NSA SPECIAL SERVICES DIVISION1000 CAPITAL DRIVELANGLEY, VIRGINIA 40897 REPORT TO ROOM 666 AND ASK FOR “DR. JACKSON”. DR. JACKSON IS FULLY TRAINED IN THE “POST-MODERN YAROBIKOV METHOD” SO THERE IS NOHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
Do you own or have access to a van? Yes No
Do you know what pornography is? Yes No
Have you every masturbated? Yes No
Do you know what masturbation is? Yes No
Do you have a waterbed? Yes No
Do you have a pickup with a mattress in the back? Yes No
Do you have a tattoo? Yes No
Do you think parties are fun? Yes No
Do you drink alcohol? Yes No
Do you do drugs? Yes No
Do you know what drugs and alcohol are? Yes No
Do you have an earring or nose ring? Yes No
Do you have any friends with “piercings?” Yes No
Do you know what “getting to second base” means? Yes No
Have you ever seen an “R” rated movie? Yes No
Do you know what a “queef” sounds like? Yes No
Do you know the price of a 3-pack of Magnums? Yes No
Do you know what a “Donkey Punch” is? Yes No
Do you know who Jenna Jamison is? Yes No
Do you know what a “Ruffie” is? Yes No
If your mom got a “facial”, what does that mean to you? Yes No
Have you ever been to a “Rave”? Yes No
Have you ever had sex with a woman? Yes No
Have you ever thought about having sex with a woman? Yes No
Do you know what a typical rate for a hotel room is? Yes No
Do you know how much a six-pack of Budweiser is? Yes No
Do you know what “rack” of beer is? Yes No
Do you know how much a keg deposit is? Yes No
Do you know what a “dime bag” is? Yes No
Do you know what an “eight-ball” is? Yes No
* (ANY POSITIVE READS OR “FALSE POSITIVES” FOR THAT MATTER WILL RESULT IN APPLICATION DENAIL AT WHICH POINT YOU AND YOUR FAMILY MUST MOVE OUT OF THE STATE)
Are you gay? Yes No
Are you a eunuch? Yes No
* (IF THE ABOVE TWO QUESTIONS RETURN VALID POSITIVES YOUR APPLICATION WILL BE IMMEDIATELY APPROVED) ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does ‘LATE’ mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does ‘DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER’ mean to you?
In no less than 5,000 words describe the cultural benefits of abstinence.
In no less than 50,000 words, successfully argue to social benefits of “an eye-for-an-eye”.
REFERENCES SECTION;
Church you attend: How often you attend:
When would be the best time to interview your:
Father? Mother?
Pastor/Rabbi? Troop Leader?
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: Answer by filling in the blank…….all answers are confidential.
If I were to shoot you, where is the place you would least like to be shot?
If I were to beat you, the bone I would like broken least is what?
Would the thought of “non-terminal water boarding” frighten you?
The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
What do you want to do if you grow up?
When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE. I KNOW THAT WHATEVER I DO TO YOUR DAUGHTER, YOU WILL DO TO ME.
Applicant’s Signature:
Mother’s Signature:
Father’s Signature:
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi Signature:
Troop Leader’s Signature:
State Representative/Congressman Signature:
Your interest in my daughter is appreciated; I hope that is is sincere and non-sexual in nature. Please allow four to six years for processing of this application. You may be contacted in writing if you are approved. Do not try to call or write. Attempting to do so will result in immediate application denial. On the outside chance you are gay and/or a eunuch and this application is accepted, the following rules must be memorized and repeated back to me verbatim, before we “get to know” me and the boys at the gym.
DADDY’S HANNAH RULES
1.) Do not touch my daughter.
2.) You may not look directly at my daughter.
3.) You may glance at her if you are not looking below her neck. Look at the ground when in the presence of my daughter.
4.) You do not touch my daughter.
5.) If you touch my daughter, I will cut off your hands.
6.) When walking with my daughter, walk two steps behind her and slightly to the left.
7.) I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a ‘Barrier method’ of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
8.) It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. It is not necessary. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house.
9.) Do not touch my daughter.
10.) I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she decides to terminate the friendship. If you make her cry, I will kill you.
11.) If you at coming to pick my daughter up for a social engagement, please show up early and make yourself useful around the house. A list of chores for you to do will be made available for you.
12.) The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands or other people for that matter. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
13.) Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; You may only take my daughter to “G” rated movies.
14.) Do not touch my daughter.
15.) Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing and merciless “Sheiva”, God of Death.
16.) It is required that you spend five hours sparring with me. I train at “World Champion Cagefighters HQ”, but I haven’t fought professionally since the accident, so not to worry. And despite what you may have heard, I did not mean to kill Ivan. There was blood in my ear and I thought he said something about my daughter…it turns out he was saying “uncle”. I was not convicted.
17.) If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me Trust me when I tell you this, I will make you actually dig your own grave. But not to worry, it has been said that a man truly gets to know what he is made of when he digs his own grave.
18.) Do not touch my daughter.
19.) Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for the “bad people” in my dreams. The sound of teenagers car doors shutting and my LSD flashbacks make the nights very difficult for me and so I recommend day trips with my daughter. She likes to volunteer serving lunch at the “Happy Village – a Safe Alzheimer’s Alternative” on US 480, just south of Main St.
20.) If this application is approved, which I doubt, when you pull into my driveway do not tell the dogs to “sit” or that it is “OK”. They have been trained to detect hostility, outsiders and seventy-three unique smells relating to teenagers. I recommend you simply exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside or call my daughter again. She will call you if she is interested. You are not to answer her calls.
21.) If my daughter’s GPA dips below a 4.0, I will kill you.
22.) Do not touch my daughter.
23.) My daughter has been trained to not want a cell phone. If she “wants one” after spending time with you, I will kill you.
24.) My daughter still believes in Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny. If for some reason she becomes disabused of these culturally advantageous mythical figures, I will torture you, then kill your family and everybody with your first and last name. Then my friends and I will dress up as Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny respectively and torture/kill you over the course of three montbhs. All of my friends are homosexual and convicted sex offenders.
25.) Do not touch my daughter.
